ROB- Backup long-snapper, Travis Goethel, will still think it’s bowling and rolls the ball to the punter in key situations, Miami cannot capitalize on field position. Oakland wins on botched punt that converts to a fake punt to get a first down in the closing minutes winning 3-0.
MATT- Ryan Tannehill’s turnovers would be overcome if the Raiders still had the same long snapper from Monday night, but since they’re going with the old starter, or a new signee if the old guy is still concussed….Raiders 24-Dolphins 9
BRENDEN- The Dolphins will put up a fight, in the first quarter. After Darrin McFadden goes 80 yards for a score and Heyward-Bey torches the Miami secondary the Raider win big 30-17.
ROB- An interesting match-up, if you happen to be a fan of lop-sided victories. Houston’s offense rolls over Jacksonville despite DeAngelo Williams running for 100 yards because he’s on my fantasy team.
MATT- Texans are too strong for the Blaine Gabbert led Jags. Texans 42- Jaguars 13
BRENDEN- Texans bust out the whooping stick and Andre Johnson hauls in 3 TD’s before the Jaguars quit in the 3rd quarter. 30-10 Texans.
ROB- Ohio hasn’t been this conflicted since week 1 in college football where Ohio State took on Miami of Ohio. The fans will beg for that game to come on the jumbotron so they have something interesting to watch. Cleveland wins and gets one highlight from Richardson when he takes someones head off with his helmet.
MATT- I think we will see just how important Joe Haden is to the Browns D this week. The Red Rifle and AJ Green torch the Browns secondary. Bengals 31- Browns 10
BRENDEN- Lebron James suits up for the Browns and leads them to the upset. Actually he doesn’t, because he plays basketball for the Miami Heat. Why would you ever believe something that stupid? Bengals win 24-14.
Kansas City@Buffalo –
ROB- An interesting game that features two teams that could surprise us. CJ Spiller looked like Peyton Hillis last week, sorry Buffalo that pretty much means that’s all he’s going to do this year. Kansas City wins because I hate Buffalo.
MATT- Mario Williams will come up huge in his Buffalo home debut and CJ spiller will breakout with the absence of Fred Jackson. Bills 27- Chiefs 13
BRENDEN- Ryan PicksPatrick hands the ball off to CJ Spiller, who looks like he did back at Clemson and the Bills beat the Chiefs 27-24.
ROB- Flacco will throw for 300 yards and Ray Rice may run for the same. Philly just can’t seem to click with each other and with Maclin possibly out they will have to deal with DeSean Jackson who will do something dumb to lose the game for his team.
MATT- Mike Vick continues to turn the ball over and Ray Rice will run all over the wide 9 defense. Ravens 38- Eagles 14
BRENDEN- You can’t spell “Elite” without “Flacco”. Vick doesn’t win this week, which is fine because HE BEAT AND MURDERED INNOCENT DOGS. 24-17 Ravens.
ROB- Adrian Peterson looked like his old self last week so we can expect him to get hurt week 4. He rips apart this Indy defense and Andrew Luck tries to Tebow because it worked for RG III. Vikings win in a blowout.
MATT- Adrian Peterson can’t cover up for the inept Vikes Passing attack. Andrew Luck will get his first NFL win. Colts 24- Vikings 20
BRENDEN- Luck accidentally hands off to his old college running back Toby Gerhart, who plays for the Vikings and the Colts lose 27-23.
Arizona@New England –
ROB- Former Philadelphia sweetheart Kevin Kolb looks like he will get the start this Sunday for the Cardinals, he is the only one in Arizona who thinks that is good news. Patriots roll ’em and let’s hope Ricky Williams isn’t around because he may try to smoke them. (horrible joke, sorry)
MATT- Stevan Ridley continues to break out as defenses are more worried about Brady and Co. Also Kevin Kolb= A.J. Feeley Redux. Pats 35-Cardinals 17
BRENDEN- Kevin Kolb plays well but well by his standards is 2 TD’s and 2 INT’s. Patrick Peterson takes one to the house. It doesn’t matter because by that time Brady is already home banging Gisele. Patriots rout the Cardinals 45-21.
New Orleans@Carolina –
ROB- I feel bad for Carolina, I really do. They got outplayed and outsmarted by a guy from Rutgers, probably the first times that’s ever been said, and they looked lost for most of the game. The Saints have something to prove because they got trounced by Washington, again something that may have never been said. Saints win in a blowout that leaves Cam Newton wondering if RG III will rip off his touchdown move.
MATT- Superman can’t cover up for the lack of a running game and a hobbled Steve Smith. Drew Brees will lead the Saints to the road victory. Saints 28- Panthers 14
BRENDEN- Sir Cameron Newton looks like he has turnstiles for an O-Line. He’s screwed. Brees makes it look easy in a 38-24 win.
Tampa Bay@NY Giants –
ROB- The Giants running game looks miserable against the Cowboys and after last weeks performance it looks like more of the same against Tampa Bay. Eli has some really funny commercials out right now so they get the win, did you know he drove a Toyota? (Editors note: I still haven’t been paid for the mention yet)
MATT- Giants receivers stop being Clifford Franklin and decide to catch the ball. Justin Tuck and the Giants D-Line will help cover up the lack of talent in the secondary. Giants 27- Bucs 20
BRENDEN- Bucs shock…nobody. Giants win 27-16
Washington@St. Louis –
ROB- RG III is the best QB in the league! Sam Bradford used to be also, you see where I am going with this right? Washington wins because RG III will ride his unpredictability until they lose the last 8 games and miss the playoffs.
MATT- Forget Tebowing…Griffining takes the nation by storm as an underrated Redskins defense holds Steven Jackson in check. Redskins 27- Rams 14
BRENDEN- Stephen Jackson has his one really good game for the year, that makes him look like a smart draft pick and the Rams win 24-23. He’ll get hurt next week.
ROB- Dallas is going to have an explosive offense this year and Seattle has no offense and without one you can’t score. Barring a complete meltdown by Romo, Dallas wins by a wide margin leaving Matt Flynn to wonder why he left Green Bay in the first place, at least he could’ve won a ring as a back-up there.
MATT- Rob Ryan figuratively and literally eats Russell Wilson alive. Cowboys 27- Seahawks 3
BRENDEN- Tony Romo has a flashback to the fumble he committed to lose in the playoffs a few years back and has a panic attack. Kyle Orton leads the boys’ to a 24-10 victory.
Tennessee@San Diego –
ROB- Jake Locker looked really good last Sunday, as long as you like seeing QBs getting pounded to the ground. San Diego usually starts its collapse into the playoffs at week 3, they win this one in what is sure to be a very boring game.
MATT- If Locker can continue to show the flashes of talent like he did against the Patriots the Titans will win….but he won’t. Chargers 21- Titans 13
BRENDEN- Tennessee gets it’s criminal wide receiver Kenny Britt back, but the city named after an old wooden ship (anchorman reference)wins . This will make everyone think that the Chargers are good, however Norv Turner is still their coach.
NY Jets@Pittsburgh –
ROB- Some want this to be the game of the week, it won’t be. Pittsburgh looked angry last week, Denver is just a good team, and now they will take it out on Sanchez who will throw at least 2 picks. Get those TEBOW chants ready Jet fans.
MATT- I will start every Jets pick with the same statement…JETS SUCK!! Roethlisberger goes nuts against a Revis-less Jets D and Mark Sanchez plays like well….Mark Sanchez. Steelers 31- Jets 10
BRENDEN- A game featuring two QB’s who have a thing for younger women, except Big Ben doesn’t care if they like him back. Pitt grounds the Jets 17-13
Detroit@San Francisco –
ROB- Matchup of the week by far. Detroit has a good defense that people like to ignore and can cause havoc for Alex Smith, who, by the way, is America’s sweetheart now? Stafford, like Brees, has something to prove and San Fran cannot contain Megatron.
MATT- Handshakegate part 2. With the momentum of their big win over Green Bay, the Niners stay hot and are able to hold Megaton in check to move to 2-0. 49ers 24- Lions 17
BRENDEN- After the 49ers win 24-21 Jim Harbaugh goes to shake Jim Schwartz’s hand but at the last second pulls the fake-handshake-run-hand-though-hair-dick-move.
ROB- Barn burner as both QBs throw close to 400 yards, despite Denver’s defense. Matty Ice is joining the upper echelon of Quarterbackdom (trademark) and Peyton, once again, proves that he is a game changer on, and off, the field. Atlanta wins in a shocker.
MATT- Shootout of the week. Manning is good, but Matty Ice has too many targets for the Broncos to cover. Falcons 38- Broncos 34
BRENDEN- Peyton Manning and his bionic neck put up a fight, but the dirty birds prevail 27-24.