Well Now, That’s Kinda Racist

David Whitley is a columnist for Sporting News, which is owned by AOL, meaning his job gives him the opportunity to fling shit at a wall and see if it sticks.

And boy oh boy is this shitty. And by shitty I mean racist. Here’s the article in its entirety, because I have a feeling that it won’t be up on the site much longer.

You know an article is going to be bad when the author compares a player to an inmate within the first few sentences.

San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys in San Quentin happy.

Approximately 98.7 percent of the inmates at California’s state prison have tattoos. I don’t know that as fact, but I’ve watched enough “Lockup” to know it’s close to accurate.

I’m also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have tattoos. There’s a reason for that.

NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don’t want your CEO to look like he just got paroled.

Now along comes Kaepernick. Since taking over for Alex Smith two games ago, he has convinced everybody in the Bay area that he’s the second coming of Steve Young.

Smith is coming back from a concussion, ushering in the attendant QB controversy. But he is looking like Wally Pipp and Kaepernick is Lou Gehrig. All I can do is look in the mirror and sigh.

Forgive me, but I suffer from tattoo-ism. I sport no ink, and I don’t want any. I know that attitude qualifies me for an AARP card, and I’ve tried to get with it.

I realize tattoos are ways to pay homage to your religion, children and motorcycle gang. I’m cool with LeBron James looking like an Etch A Sketch.

I still cringe when I go to the gym and see middle-aged women with barbed wire circling their biceps. They have bigger arms than I, so I never make fun. But I can’t shake the notion that a person’s body is a temple, and you don’t cover temples in graffiti.

For dinosaurs like me, NFL quarterbacks were our little Dutch boys. The original hero stuck his finger in the dyke to save Holland. Pro QBs were the last line of defense against the raging sea of ink. When our kids said they wanted a tattoo, we could always point to the Manning brothers.

My guess is Archie would have made Peyton throw an extra 1,000 passes before dinner if he’d come home with a tattoo. The old man knew QBs are different.

Did Sammy Baugh, Johnny Unitas, Doug Williams or Joe Montana have arms covered in ink? Do Tom Brady, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers? The world will end when Tim Tebow shows up a tattoo parlor.

It’s not just a white thing, I hope. When the Panthers interviewed Cam Newton, owner Jerry Richardson popped the question.

“Do you have any tattoos?” he asked.

Colin Kaepernick’s tattooed arms eventually could hoist the Lombardi Trophy, so SN’s David Whitley is trying to curb his tattoo-ism. (AP Photo)

“No, sir,” Newton said. “I don’t have any.”

“We want to keep it that way,” Richardson said.

He was OK with body art on other players, including the human canvas that is Jeremy Shockey. But Newton would be the face, arms and legs of the franchise. The boss didn’t want them covered in ink lines.

“Let’s keep it that way,” he told Newton.

I realize not all NFL quarterbacks are pristine. Ben Roethlisberger has a “COURAGE” tattoo on the right side of his upper body. Smith has one honoring his Serbian heritage. They can’t be seen when the players put on their uniforms.

Then there are Michael Vick and Terrelle Pryor. Neither exactly fit the CEO image, unless your CEO has done a stretch in Leavenworth or has gotten Ohio State on probation over free tattoos.

That’s what makes Kaepernick a threat to the stereotype. By all accounts, he’s polite, hard-working, humble and has never been to prison. He sounds more like a Tebow who can throw.

Not to get too far ahead of ourselves here, but it’s not hard to envision him leading the 49ers into the playoffs. If not this season, in the years to come.

His ink-covered arms will one day raise the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Imagine the impact that could have.

For one thing, Jerry Richardson would clutch his chest in horror. At the next Pro Bowl, you might spot Peyton by the pool with a Papa John’s logo on his ankle.

Sigh again.

I still think tattoo removal is going to be huge industry in the coming years. But for now, I might as well accept that Holland is probably doomed.

If you can’t draw the tattoo line at NFL quarterback, you can’t draw them anywhere.

So this “writer”, I use the term loosely, is OK with NBA players rocking tattoos, but heaven-forbid a player at a predominantly white position isn’t white and has tattoos.

So is David Whitely (link to his Twitter) an old man or a racist old man? What do you think?

By the way David, I have 200 more Twitter followers than you, so suck my balls.

Don’t worry, they’re not inked.