A-Rod Told Girardi to Pinch Hit Raul Ibanez for Him

It’s fair to show your unhappiness with a player and even more so when that players name is Alex Rodriguez. In fact it’s kind of a fashion statement now.

“pft. Are you actually cheering him?”, says the girl in the “I only kiss Yankee Fans” shirt she bought that day at Victoria Secret, “he’s, like, the worst…that is A-Rod, right?” Of course Derek Jeter was batting, but that’s besides the point.

What we all missed was a very quick exchange between Alex and manager Joe Girardi. As always Girardi was making a blood sacrifice to the binder we have all come to love. As he was drawing the blade closer to the palm of his hand A-Rod grabbed his wrist gently and said, “No, not this time. Be a real manager for once and bench me.”

Promptly¬†Girardi flipped through the pages of the Devil’s book to see the splits A-Rod has against Orioles’ closer Jim Johnson. He could hardly control his laughter, that devilish squeeling, snorting and deep bellow chuckle filled the dugout. The only time the players heard such laughter was when Boone Logan saw Raul Ibanez show up with a glove and bat and enter the clubhouse.

A-Rod quickly closed the binder, put his index finger into Giradi’s chest saying, “from here, Joe. From here.” Girardi obliged the overpaid superstar and told him he was done for the night, he walked into the clubhouse where Ibanez was in a recliner under a blanket reading 50 shades of gray, both of them ignored the presence of Viagra on the table next to him.

“Wait until I leave to get up”, Girardi said, “but hurry up your batting”.

As Ibanez stepped into the batters box you can faintly see A-Rod rubbing his hands together as an evil smile curled from the corner of his purple lips. Then it happened, that game changing moment. Ibanez swings and CRACK the ball goes soaring upward, like a plane taking off, into the darkness of night. You see the white ball fly over the wall and into the waiting hands of the Yankees faithful. The crowd erupts as Raul rounds the bases and a reluctant A-Rod does his best to hide the disappointment.

As well all know now Raul Ibanez went on to hit another home run, in walk off fashion, to secure the win, and lead in the 5 game series, in the pivotal game 3 showdown.

Reporters searched far and wide for A-Rod after the game ended but he was no where to be found. A young man who is a clubhouse attendant, but A-Rod treats as his personal assistant, came out of an office where he just talked to A-Rod. A-Rod confided in the young man, told him his deepest, darkest secrets and admitted something to him that he wanted the young man to take to his grave.

“I wanted him to fail so the fans would love me again”, the words spoken by Alex Rodriguez. Those words of a broken man spoken directly to a young man who was the only one he told of his feelings. The words that were to not be shared to anyone outside of that small, danky room the Yankees gave to batting coach Kevin Long because no one really liked talking to him or seeing him. What A-Rod didn’t know was that this young man resented him for every time “the main event”, as he enjoyed being called, made him fetch coffee, read him the paper, shave his back and engage in tickle fights so A-Rod could know what it was like to have friends. This young man had a price and it went to the highest bidder. I know A-Rod’s secret now and it was well worth the $25 bucks and a pack of smokes I gave that little dip shit.

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