Letter From a Replacement Ref

Dear NFL Fans,

I wish I could say its been a pleasure filling in for the regular refs these last few weeks. It hasn’t.

You guys have made it miserable for us. Remember all the times in the past that you said refereeing is so easy that you could even do it? Well I think we proved that theory to be false.

You can’t even imagine how hard this was. The rule book has more words than the bible! In high school games I could just make shit up and people would buy it. No replays!! Suckers!!!!

Speaking of replays…the replay officials weren’t replacements,so before you get pissed at all of us remember that those guys got to watch the plays over and over and STILL got it wrong.

Also, the players are HUGE. Some of them are also criminals.

Mike Vick broke a rib when the camera clicked

Only two or three of us are prison guards, so there was no way in hell most of us are going to break up a fight. And why do the coaches yell so much? We even gave them a couple extra timeouts and challenges here and there. Were they happy? Of course not. Coaches are miserable people.

Could we have done better? Sure. Maybe if the NFL started training us sooner..I don’t know…maybe at least before the training camps? Again the rule book.. So many words!!

I was really was against doing this, however that movie The Replacements was on TBS one day and after watching it I thought I could be the referee version of Shane Falco. Guess not. Thanks a lot Gene Hackman.

“Like Whoa Coach”

I know most of us don’t have the arms of Ed Hochuli and one of us didn’t have a penis,

This lady did not have a penis. But she did make history.

but give us credit. We showed up every game and gave the whiny Packers someone to blame for their loss other than their terrible offensive line.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I’ve got to go ref some high school game in Maine. I guess that’s where you end up after being a scab and you have already been fired from the Lingerie Football League.


About B Roe

Tall, charming, handsome sports fanatic.
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