NFL Week One Predictions


Cowboys at Giants

Rob- Giants by 1 because Romo is going to botch an extra point attempt

Brenden- JPP literally eats Tony Romo in the 3rd quarter…Giants win by 10

Colts at Bears –

Rob- Luck makes his debut and loses because, well, the Colts still don’t have Peyton

Brenden- Jay Cutler whines himself to a win and Brandon Marshall fights his way into the endzone twice. Bears by 13

Falcons at Chiefs –

Brenden- The most overrated USC QB not named Leinart or Sanchez beats the birds by three in a high scoring game.

Rob-Matt Cassel is back and that’s the only good news for the Chiefs, Falcons win and reintroduce the dirty bird

Eagles at Browns –

Brenden- The Browns get flushed down the toilet into Lake Erie. Vick lays a beating onto the dawg pound like he’s used to because HE BEAT AND KILLED DEFENSELESS DOGS.

Rob-The most lopsided victory of the week, even with Richardson running for 120 yards in his debut

Redskins at Saints –

Rob- RG III will become the first rookie quarterback to admit he threw interceptions to learn more from Brees, Saints win

Brenden- Mike Shannahan screws your fantasy team by starting the third string RB over Helu and Royster. Skins lose by 20.

Rams at Lions –

Rob- Bradford vs Stafford should have been like Brady vs Manning by now but it’s just Bradford vs Stafford, Lions destroy Rams

Brenden- Rams actually put up a fight but Stephen Jackson gets his yearly miss four games with a quad injury.

Patriots at Titans –

Brenden- Tom Brady dons some uggs and wins by 17 points. Teddy Bruschi goes on sportscenter and talks about how Brady overcame adversity as a 6th round pick. WE GET IT ALREADY LADE-FREAKIN-DAH.

Rob-I’m a die hard Pats fan so I have to go with my team, but speaking objectively the Pats are going to fucking crush them

Jaguars at Vikings –

Brenden- This game makes me actually want to watch the Browns game. At least we can see which body part Christian Ponder breaks this week. Vikings by 10.

Rob-There hasn’t been this many injured runners since the Olympics when Usain Bolt destroyed the field and crushed everyone’s egos. Jags win a game that they might black out, even in the stadium

Bills at Jets –

Rob- Rex Ryan lost a lot of weight this off-season, that’s the highlight of the Jets season. Bills win

Brenden- Mario Williams breaks Sanchez’s leg and settles the QB controversy for this season. Tebow leads the Jets on a miraculous TD drive in the 4th quarter…which is only miraculous because of their anemic offense. The Bills win by 20.

Dolphins at Texans –

Brenden- Dan Marino gets kidnapped and is saved by Jim Carrey. Phins lose by 30.

Rob- Shaub and Foster is the new Aikman and Smith, the Dolphins are a shitty animal in the water and even worse on the field. Texans win

Seahawks at Cardinals –

Brenden- Marshawn Lynch comes down from his Skittles induced sugar high and goes into hibernation under his piles of money. Cardinals with the upset.

Rob-They may need defibrillators to wake the crowd up, flip a coin if it lands on its side then that’s the best result for this game

49ers at Packers –

Brenden- Aaron RODGAHHSSSSSSSSS o line gets tossed around in this possible NFC championship preview. Alex Smith mediocerly wins and Randy Moss gets angry. 49ers by a field goal.

Rob- Best Defense against Best Offense and may be the highlight game of the opening week. Packers win a close one because Alex Smith is probably lactose intolerant.

Panthers at Buccaneers –

Brenden- Sir Cameron Newton discovers gravity. Panthers lose.

Rob- New coach, good QB and a great running game make the Bucs a contender, for week 1 only. Panthers win as Cam Newton proves he isn’t at all like JaMarcus Russell.

Steelers at Broncos –

Brenden- The broken down Steelers against Peytons neck. Peytons neck wins.

Rob-This game will say a lot about both teams. Peyton is back and Big Ben hopefully won’t see any hot 18 year olds in the stands, or in the bathroom. Broncos win triumphantly to prove Peyton is still an elite quarterback

Bengals at Ravens –

Rob- if it weren’t for the Ravens defense the Bengals might surprise everyone into thinking they were good for the start of the season, their not. The Ravens win big and Flacco surprises everyone by still not being the quarterback everyone wants him to be.

Brenden- Ray Lewis stabbes Andy Dalton or watches Andy Dalton get stabbed. Either way Ravens win.

Chargers at Raiders –

Brenden- Philip Rivers makes all of those guys who let him slip so low in their fantasy drafts look like idiots. A raiders fan gets arrested because I assume they are all criminals. Raiders win by a touchdown.

Rob-here’s something you’re not going to see a lot of this year, the Raiders win!

There you have it, the be-all-end-all-stone-cold-lock-em-up-and-book-it picks for week one.


About B Roe

Tall, charming, handsome sports fanatic.
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