With the recent acquisition of two over the hill pitchers, Oswalt & Dempster, the GM of the Texas Rangers, Jon Daniels, has issued an apology to his faithful fans.
Dear Rangers Fans,
I have to start by saying I have been observing your behavior from the owners box and it appears that you are, with respect to St. Louis fans (I hear they are lovely), right up there with the best fans in professional sports. Many of you wear cute hats that don’t necessarily match the team colors, unless we added pink (I have to look into that), and wear jerseys of players I’ve never heard of, who is this Ryan guy anyway? And isn’t Ichiro the only guy who had his first name on the back of his jersey? We are truly blessed to have such a devoted fan base willing to sit in the 100 degree weather and cheer for a team that I never intended to take to the World Series.
In the wake of the Rangers collapse, remember I’m not out there on the field, I feel somewhat, but not really that much, obligated to write an apology because I misheard Dempster for Dumpster, and I needed to shred all the steroid literature I was trying to give to Mike Napoli, so I naturally said yes. Next thing I know some guy shows up in my office and goes to shake my hand. If there is anything you learn from being a GM, the only people looking to shake your hand are ballplayers and charity organizations thinking you told them a “real” player would show up at their event. It’s funny to watch the video when they see David Murphy arrive in his Buick Century. Sorry, back to the handshake. This old guy approaches me so I immediately point to the steroid literature for him to take to the shredder, he found this humorous for some reason. He tells me his name is Ryan, I panic because I didn’t recognize the guy that all these people are wearing jerseys for, and then says Dempster, a light bulb goes off in my head and I tell him again that the boxes in the corner need to be shredded. He walks out of my office laughing, he didn’t take the boxes.
It appears that, for the first time ever, I actually told a joke and made someone laugh. Once I got to the box for the game I saw the “dumpster guy”, as I told everyone, including the very confused Waste Management employee I spoke with on the phone, on the mound. Since we don’t like to communicate with you fans the glass is sound proof and no one could hear me screaming at him to take these boxes to be shredded. It appears the joke was on me as the entire box, who I fired immediately, got a good laugh at my expense. My wife wasn’t happy when I got home due to me firing her, she said some things she didn’t mean and eventually left to stay at her sisters’ house. About time she left, I did fire her after all.
So egg on my face and all I must admit that this Dempster guy is an actual Major League Pitcher and was drafted by us in, if I had to guess, 1965. Everyone made a big deal about acquiring him and once I glanced over his stats, I don’t usually have time for that but the Sudoku was very easy that day, I was pleasantly surprised. What I was disappointed by was that we didn’t get rid of any guys that I secretly hate on the team. I won’t name names but he’s a catcher and his name rhymes with Pappoli.
And now for the apology.
Sorry fans, I let you down. The big move at the deadline didn’t pan out for us and the stupid Angels caught up to us and we lost the one game playoff between us and the Orioles. I was surprised too, so surprised I called up Bud Selig and was like, “Yo, Bud. You sure we are playing the right AL East team?” and Bud was like, “LOL”. It was a very weird conversation. As we learned quickly, Dempster can’t pitch against AL teams and pretty much cost us everything, except me because I still made a ton of money off you suc…I mean awesome fans. The Dodgers plan to act like they wanted him paid off and they won the World Series and now this Dempster guy won’t stop asking me to sign the “Told You So” card the team is passing around. Guess that guy has a good sense of humor.
I do promise that in the next year we will have a better team with no old guys taking the mound. And if, for some reason, they end up on our team they will have to answer to the press when they find steroid information in their locker.
See you all next year when I’m done making money and sitting on my Yacht, don’t worry, you’re not missing anything.
– Jon “I’m the King of Texas” Daniels.